Building Frankenstein's Monster

Of late, I've been thinking a lot about my writing process. I don't know how the chaos of creation unfolds for other authors, but I've decided that for me it's very much like building a Frankenstein's Monster. Only, unlike in Frankenstein, my monster comes alive the moment I start working on it and proceeds to give me critiques throughout the construction.

It goes something like this:

Me: Yes! My plans are perfect! Awake, my creation, and LIVE!

StoryMonster: GRRawRawRawRgurgleHuRFaDerf*cough* ... Wat? Y m i so ncompl3t?

Me: Oh, um, you're just a draft. I'll fix you as I go, I promise.

SM: But u nly outlnd 3 chptrs.

Me: (shoves outline under chair) Pay no attention to that. I know what I'm doing.

[3.2% Target Word Count]

SM: You've given me too many ribs.

Me: You're going to need them.

SM: I am? Or my twin sister is?

Me: (breaks out extra structure and tosses it in "Unnecessary Sequel" bin) Happy now?

[8.5% Target Word Count]

SM: You forgot part of my spine.

Me: I'll add it later.

SM: No. I want it now. Now! NOW!

Me: FINE.

[17.6% Target Word Count]

SM: What's with these dangly bits?

Me: I'll fix them later.

SM: But they're all... dangly.

Me: I'LL FIX THEM LATER!

[24% Target Word Count]

SM: Hey, remember that character you thought you'd add right around here?

Me: Yeah...

SM: Doesn't work. You'll have to add him somewhere else.

Me: But... fine. I'm writing his first scene anyway.

SM: It won't fit right.

Me: I'll splice it.

SM: But it won't--

Me: I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! (muttering) Maybe.

[52% Target Word Count]

SM: This isn't going the way you wanted it to, is it?

Me: ...I'm gonna go watch some cat videos on YouTube.

SM: Yeah, yeah. See you later tonight when you try to make up for lost time.

[76% Target Word Count]

Me: Oy. When did you get so boring?

SM: I'm boring? You're the one recycling bits from Harry Potter*.

Me: Take it back!

SM: Look! Here, here, here!

Me: Those are common fiction motifs! You can't just... GRAH! (yanks out various monster parts and throws them in the rubbish bin)

[89% Target Word Count]

Me: You're putting on too much weight.

SM: Not my fault, you hack.

Me: I'll show you hack.

[EDIT Mode ON]

[85% Target Word Count]

Me: You're still too fat, and you're boring.

SM: Cry me a frickin' river. Nobody asked you to create me!

Me: Cat videos it is. (wanders off)

[94% Target Word Count]

SM: Hey, did you ever check to see whether these characters' names have been used together before?

Me: ...no?

SM: What if they have been?

Me: No one author gets to lay claim to specific names or name combi--
Aw, fer cryin'--! (spends next 5 hours on Google)

[103% Target Word Count]

Me: Why won't you just resolve yourself?

SM: Maybe if you had outlined me from start to finish from the very beginning--

Me: You veered from your original plot-line within the first five chapters. We both know you never would've followed an outline from start to finish.

SM: Well, it's still not my fault you've painted yourself into a corner, plot-wise.

Me: I didn't.

SM: Then resolve it, Hemingway.

Me: Right. (enters Google search term "adorable cats")

[111% Target Word Count]

Me: 'kay. I've tweaked about fifty things now. You should be running a whole lot better.

SM: Holy crap! I am! Look at me!

Me: Holy crap. Let's not get carried away. But at least I can see where you need to go next.

[125% Target Word Count]

SM: Ooh! Ooh! Don't forget this detail here!

Me: Ooh! Nice!

[133% Target Word Count]

Me: Done! Finished! Every last bit has found a place! HALLELUJAH!
...You are not at all what I expected.

SM: H'yeah. I'm AWESOME.

Me: You're bloated.

SM: Can it. You love me and you know it. When can I go out to play?

Me: Ooh... probably never.

And then I shove my newest creation under the bed with the rest of my monsters.

Three to five days after this, I fall into a post-writing depressive state, wherein I realize that my whole world has been wrapped up in this one project and I can't remember how I lived before that. The agony of slogging through the creative process is too fresh to begin a new novel, but I desperately miss the purpose-driven high I was operating on for the last thirty pages of the just-completed manuscript, when all of those ridiculous loose ends came together.

This in turn causes me to focus my attention on some odd non-writing tasks in an attempt to feel productive without the mental stress of creating something original-ish from nothing.

And that's how I wound up blanching and peeling four cups of almonds this morning.

The End.

*This interchange is in no way meant to disparage Harry Potter. It's just that I've seen basically every YA fantasy novel since then get compared to that series and nothing measures up, obviously. (And yet, I still feel this inborn compulsion to write...)